YourGamer.Net

Star Wars reference.  Original, neh?

I’ve got a big post to write, but I don’t have the energy tonight, so lemme toss you a game link.

The Bounce is an extremely simple, short, arcade-y sort of game that I find myself playing over and over again,  thanks to the relaxing tune and the cute graphics.  It’s not gonna win any awards, but it amuses me.
Sorry for the failure of a post, but believe me, tomorrow will be epic.

So, I was going to talk about another game today, but when I checked my email yesterday I saw a message from the Video Game Voters Network. Evidently, a state senator from WI (my home state) thought it would be a good idea to impose an added tax to video games. The proceeds from this would go to moving 17 year olds that have committed nonviolent crimes from the adult court systems to the juvenile category.

Okay, so it may be unfair. Not may, it’s absolutely unfair. I mean, it’s for a good cause, sure, but why single out video games? If the gaming community accepts this sort of thing, it’s paramount to admitting that our hobby is responsible for delinquency. Why not apply the tax to books? Films? Music? The connection is obvious, and the reasoning is absurd.

I contacted my state senator about this, and today I got a reply back to the effect of “Senator X doesn’t support new taxes of any kind.” Which kind of pisses me off. I know he’s a republican and therefore is basically required to vote against most new taxes, but I’m sure that the constituents that write to him regarding the sin taxes on alcohol or tobacco get a better reply. This is what makes me so angry. Gaming is a lifestyle, like it or not. Serious gamers spend a lot of time on there hobby, and it reflects on the way they live. They deserved to be treated as thoughtfully in politics as any other special interest group. Instead, we’re ignored, vilified, and slandered. AND WE DO NOTHING. So this post is a call for all who read it to take action. Join one of the political groups related to gaming (The video game voters network is an excellent way to stay updated). Do something to protect your lifestyle. Gamers are notoriously “easy going” when it comes to politics, and if that remains unchanged, we’re going to see our rights in serious jeopardy.

Oh fine, you want a game? Here, try Sonny, an entertaining combat strategy game with a superb score done by David Orr, a good friend of mine. It’s good for a few hours of fun.

The story of Steam is well known to most PC gamers. The initial resentment, the crashes, the bugs, then the sudden upswing, the acquisition of indie titles, the increased ease of use, turning it into a useful tool more than a barely-tolerable burden to your gaming experience. Steam and Valve have together revolutionized the face of PC gaming, in terms of content (episodic games, third party devs all rolled into one app), installation and patching (all done automatically…if devs are gonna release a buggy build, the least they can do is have it patch itself when they finally get around to fixing it…), and most of all, exposure and advertising. How many people had heard of an indie studio calling itself Introversion before their outstandingly quirky RTS Darwinia was featured on Steam? With that success, the entire catalog of Introversion games started appearing on the service (Defcon, the classic Uplink, and the upcoming Multiwinia), and subsequently many other smaller studios started marketing their games on Steam. The platform has become a viable contender to become that “golden bullet” that will unify PC gamers, the answer to Xbox live that Microsoft’s own ham-handed attempt, GFW Live, clearly will never be.

So why bring all this up now? Old news, right? Well, what if Steam isn’t the golden bullet, but merely the trend setter? What if Steam is the prototype for countless other, similar systems of distribution? This could just mean a further splintering of the PC community, which, as some analysts would have it, can only lead to the DOWNFALL OF PC GAMING AS WE KNOW IT. Of course, this is BS, since PC gamers have exclusive, unlimited access to the most open ended online community known to mankind, the freaking INTERNET. Still, it’s an interesting point, and one that’s brought to the forefront by the freeware doodad known as “ZoopTEK Launcher.”

ZoopTEK is, according to their website, “a small organization built around programming for fun or creating useful programs.” This means that ZoopTEK has the notable distinction of being a delivery program for both gaming AND non-gaming software, though the focus is undoubtedly on gaming. The program is super-slim, at just over 500k, and grants you immediate access to several of ZoopTEK’s downloadable games. The reason the program was created, evidently, was to make an easy way for consumers to get the .net framework and Directx files that the games depended on, and it downloads these files automatically…but the potential is so much larger than this. The user doesn’t even need to check the website for new games, or updates to old ones…they’re just…there. And if you try a game and don’t like it, one click, and you’ve got an instant uninstall!

As for the games themselves, I can’t honestly claim to have tried them all. From the ones I have tried, most are passable for a short diversion, some are complete crap, and one is excellent (Zombsand, an outstanding zombie-survival-themed roguelike that I’ve been using to keep my hunger for Left 4 Dead at bay. Definitely try it.). But truly, that’s not the point. The point is, this is just another example of indie developers taking a concept from the commercial scene, using it, adapting it, and making it completely unique (and improved in many ways). That’s the sort of thing I love about the indie scene, and that is why we should ALL be paying attention to it.

EDIT: SO after writing all this up, our lovely editor johnwedd (killjoy =P ) informed me that ZoopTEK has been around for a while, before steam even. So, I stand corrected, but my point still stands. Indie devs are versatile and unique, and deserve notice.
Also, john mentions gametap, the well-received service that provides older games through a well-designed launcher, available on a rotating schedule of some sort or other (being on dialup, I can’t actually try it out to verify exactly how they do it). That sounds pretty awesome as well, and the thought of “recycling” old games in this way is novel. Too bad I can’t claim THAT spark of genius for indie, since gametap is run by Turner Entertainment. Ah well, can’t win em all.

Okay, this is not my daily, but I have to spread the pain around.

Download Punishment. Download it now. Play it. I promise you, it’s a fun game. But you will get dizzy, frustrated, and motion sick. If you beat it, you are an internet hero.

This dose of dangerously addictive platformer brought to you by Aiglos.

EDIT: This just in: there’s a sequel.  I assume no responsibility for lost sleep tonight.

Aig here, not a long post tonight, but I thought I’d try to make good on my promise to stay up to date from now on.

Last night I wrote about the excellent game Chalk by Joakim Sandberg, and tonight I have to quickly recommend another of his games, Tripline.  This puzzle game is done in a notebook style, showing the same awesome art direction as his other games.  The board looks like one of those graph paper games that you used to play in school with your friends while the teacher was talking, and place pretty similarly.  It’s about making a constant line through sets of three of the same shape, without crossing your own line.  Sounds pretty simple, but the cute graphics and addictive gameplay are awesome.  And it gets REALLY HARD.  If you haven’t heard of it, definitely give it a try.
I’m recovering from a pretty nasty sinus infection right now, so I’ll work up some more interesting posts when I’m feeling better.  Hope everyone’s having a wicked weekend.

So yeah, after my llengthy absence thanks to failed interweb, I’m back to stay…or at least I’d better be. Since I can’t play any games online these days, I’ve been looking through my single player library, and found some really fun indie titles that I forgot about completely. I’m gonna be showing some of them off over the next few days. Some of these may be old, but I can guarantee that you’ve never heard of at least one of these. I dug deep.

…deeeeep…

Anyways, the first game on my list is Chalk. This game drew a lot of attention when it first came out mid-2007 (I think…), but I’ve seen many people who’ve never heard of it. This is unacceptable, because Chalk has one of the most original and well-implemented gameplay concepts I’ve ever seen.

The basic progenitor of Chalk is the simple 2d space shooter. You have a character that travels around the screen, fighting swarms of progressively harder enemies with long boss battles at the end of each of the 6 stages. This is where the normalcy of Chalk ends. Instead of shooting bullets or missles at your enemy…you draw at them. That’s right, this entire game takes place on a chalkboard, and your only weapon is chalk. This could get boring fast, simply clicking and dragging lines across enemies, but the true genius of the combat system is the use of the same weapon (i.e. the drawn line) in different context. Enemy attacking with purple? Draw a line from the projectile to the enemy to transfer the damage to them. Attacking with white? Draw a shield and deflect the bullets back at them. I won’t ruin the other delicacies of the system, but let me just say that it’s truly engaging and a hell of a lot of fun. Puzzling and challenging bosses top off the awesome.
Sadly, the game’s short, easily beatable in about 30 minutes, but it *is* freeware, and I promise that you will replay over and over to try to beat your previous scores. I highly recommend it. I also recommend that you check out the author’s website, where there are some other fun games up, and more coming.

In other news, fans of Cavestory (another must-play, on the off chance anyone hasn’t heard of it) or Castlevania should absolutely check out this preview of The Underside. It looks promising, and the concept of having gravity reversed so you play both on floor and ceiling, while not new, is an interesting one to base a game on. I hope that the devs keep working on it so we get a finished product.

Yes, well, it’s been a looong time since I posted. My internet went down for a while, lots of work, etc, etc, etc. Until I get a major post worked up, here’s a troll a friend did on Furcadia today, which I followed up for extra lulz.
ONCE AGAIN, EXPLICIT TEXT…nothing TOO bad this time, but still…watch out D:

Two characters for this one. My friend took point with a character we’ll call…um…”Matilda” in order to protect future lulz:

The first thing you would see is the small, specially designed helmet she wore on her head. As your eyes trailed down a little further, you could see that her face was fairly beautiful, despite being topped with such an obnoxious decoration… but was that all it was? As you approached she looked at you, her tongue sliding out of her mouth, followed by sounds of incoherent studdering. Her chest was a healthy 38D-bust, and clothed in just a drab brown dress. As you watched her take a few steps, her gait was awfully crooked. You suddenly realized what the helmet was for. [Mentally handicapped]

…yes. Somebody tried to rape that. Here’s the beginning:

[ Victim whispers, “Victim had just had quite a successful steal from one of the manors on the far end of town and was now wandering down one of the side streets towards the shopping square. He chose the side streets for a number of reasons. to avoid being seen, to get out of the harsh sun of this warm day, and to stay out of the dry dust. Other than that he loved these arid desert towns. Just as he was reaching the end of the alley though he walked past a rather peculiar girl and tilted his head a s he slowed to look at her” to you. ]

[ You whisper “Matilda had been staring at the wall behind her home for several hours now while her mother was away, a thick puddle of drool at her feet as she just blankly stared at the undecorated stone wall. After he had been watching her for quite some time, she finally noticed him and turned around, tilting her head in return as she stared at him for a while, eventually a crooked smile coming over her lips. “H-hello there!” she said, waving to him before taking a few awkward steps towards him.” to Victim. ]

[ Victim whispers, “cracked a wry smile at the odd behavior of this one, scratching at her helmet absently before looking around them. It wasn’t often he ran into someone with such a slow mentality, and despite his usual compassion for such, felt like taking advantage. “You have any money sweetheart?” he said, trying to sound as kind as possible, all the while looking over her. She didn’t look bad, but why was she alone out here? This area of town tended to be a den of vipers, one such viper talking to her now. “Come now, give the friendly ferret some money”" to you. ]

[ You whisper “Matilda looked at him with confusion as he spoke to her. Having the mental abilities akin to a six year old, she didn’t quite understand the concept of currency much, except that it was used to buy things. Another glob of drool hit the dry ground beneath them as she shook her head, sending some of that drool flying. “N-no… mommy didn’t g-g-ive me any money, mister…” she said politely. Unbeknownst to her, her femsex was easily seen through the tight pants she was wearing, and her nipples were quite hard at the moment, her clothing showcasing her curvy, luscious body nicely.” to Victim. ]

[ Victim whispers, “looked down at the growing puddle, raising a brow slightly and then looking back at her. “Oh well thats a shame” he said softly, seeming to still be figuring out what was going on even now. He eyed her body and scooched closer, not normally one to go as far as h was thinking, but this was easy prey. “You have something better than money anyway, cutey” he said, making sure the alley was empty as he got even closer, moving his body against hers as he reached down to undo his pants, the belt coming undone with a clank and a paw roaming between her legs. Certainly he was that forward” to you. ]

[ You whisper “Matilda looked at him with a look of shock, possibly fear, but she didn’t move. Already pressed against the wall practically, she just stood there, staring at him with a look of confusion and fright, glancing down at his pants when he undid them, her legs trying to close as she felt the paw between them. “M-mommy s-said not to let s-strangers t-t-touch me in those places, mister….” she managed to studder out. Despite her not being able to understand sexuality, her nipples grew even perkier as he moved in closer.” to Victim. ]

[ Victim whispers, “[yes, i think we’ll just call it a day -_-]” to you. ]

WHAT?? It looks like our friendly victim thinks he can just walk away from this, hmm? Well, I know somebody who’s gonna have something to say about that…I tag in and jump into action!!!
Chris Hansen whispers to Victim: “Mr. Victim?”

Victim whispers to Chris Hansen: “tah?”

Chris Hansen whispers to Victim: “I understand you just took part in an internet chat with one Matilda”

Victim whispers to Chris Hansen: “is this chane?”

*chain is one of the more epic trolls on Furc*

Chris Hansen whispers to Victim: “No sir, I’m afraid not. Why don’t you have a seat over there, and we’ll discuss this.”

Chris Hansen whispers to Victim: “Sir? Please take a seat.”

Victim whispers to Chris Hansen: “no thanks. just tell Matilda i know who he is #SA”

Chris Hansen whispers to Victim: “He is an obese police officer sitting behind a computer screen.”

Chris Hansen whispers to Victim: “What do you think of that Mr. Victim? You’re now a homosexual.”

Victim whispers to Chris Hansen: “you people must have put a lot of thought into this”

Chris Hansen whispers to Victim: “Please don’t change the subject Mr. Victim. I have here some logs of your chat conversations with Ms. Matilda. Shall I read you an excerpt?”

Victim whispers to Chris Hansen: “read away, i’ll be putting you on ignore now”

Chris Hansen whispers to Victim: “Mr. Victim, I’m afraid the police don’t have to respect the ignore command.”

Victim whispers to Chris Hansen: “sighs and nods, prepared to cooperate fully”

Chris Hansen whispers to Victim: “Thank you Mr. Victim. Now then, if I may read an excerpt: “…he got even closer, moving his body against hers as he reached down to undo his pants, the belt coming undone with a clank and a paw roaming between her legs.”"

Chris Hansen whispers to Victim: “Is this your first time raeping the delicious loli Mr. Victim?”

Victim whispers to Chris Hansen: “in my defense, I did not rape her! I showed self control and stopped. ”

Chris Hansen whispers to Victim: “Yet you did touch her in her genital region. Is that not so Mr. Victim?”

Victim whispers to Chris Hansen: “yes, but she still had her clothes on *raises a finger*”

Chris Hansen whispers to Victim: “I believe that any unwanted touching qualifies as sexual assault, Mr. Victim, through the clothes or otherwise. But we’ll leave that for now. How did you come across Ms. Matilda? Do you search for underage girls often over the internets?”

Victim whispers to Chris Hansen: “ahh but she did not protest until after said touch, at which point I stopped. But, i’ll go along and answer your second question. I found ms. Matilda on an online game in an area normally reserved for sexual RP”

Chris Hansen whispers to Victim: “I see. And how far did you plan to go Mr. Victim? You are aware of Ms. Matilda’s disability; did it not occur to you that she had stumbled into such an area by mistake?”

Victim whispers to Chris Hansen: “I was NOT immediately aware of said disability. when it became apparent that she was mentally insufficient and she protested, I stopped and planned to escort her to the nearest adult and or authority ASAP”

Chris Hansen whispers to Victim: “May I ask what you thought her helmet was for?”

Victim whispers to Chris Hansen: “the helmet is irrelevant to my case”

Chris Hansen whispers to Victim: “Let me quote something here Mr. Victim:”

*I whisper Matilda’s description to him*

Chris Hansen whispers to Victim: “Was it not abundantly clear that she was handicapped from that description Mr. Victim?”

Victim whispers to Chris Hansen: “hmmm, well. I’ve never seen a helmet like that before so..I thought she was just hot, you know from the heat?”

Chris Hansen whispers to Victim: “From the heat, hmm? I see. And you expect our audience to believe this?”

Chris Hansen whispers to Victim: “Chris|Hansen,|reporting beckons, and several camera men appear from fucking nowhere.”

Victim whispers to Chris Hansen: “D:”

Chris Hansen whispers to Victim: “Mr. Victim, I’m Chris Hansen with Dateline NBC, and we’re doing a segment called “To Catch a Predator”"

Victim whispers to Chris Hansen: “but i’m not a predator. I’m a decent Ferret!”

Victim whispers to Chris Hansen: “she told me she was 18!”

Chris Hansen whispers to Victim: “We’ll leave that up to our viewers to decide Mr. Victim.”

Chris Hansen whispers to Victim: “I have the logs right here, over 9000 pages of them, and I see no occasion where Ms. Matilda mentioned her age. You are aware however, that her mental faculties are at the level of a six year old?”

Victim whispers to Chris Hansen: “she never mentioned that and I didn’t properly read the desc”

Chris Hansen whispers to Victim: “I think this is the end of our conversation Mr. Victim. Is there anything you’d like to say to our television audience before you leave?”

Victim whispers to Chris Hansen: “yes, there is. *looks at the camera and casps his paws *together* Even if i made a mistake, shouldn’t we all be allowed a second chance? *smiles for the camera*”

Chris Hansen whispers to Victim: “A lovely thought, Mr. Victim. If you’ll just exit out that d-oh…oh my, I’m afraid not…”

Chris Hansen whispers to Victim: “Chris|Hansen,|reporting grins as the po-po jump out and handcuff him”

Victim whispers to Chris Hansen: “Victim isn’t built for prison D:”

Chris Hansen whispers to Victim: “Chris|Hansen,|reporting watches the fuzz drag him off. “Goodbye, Mr. Victim.”"

Victim whispers to Chris Hansen: “resists arrest and tries to kick one of the cops in the balls”

Chris Hansen whispers to Victim: “Chris|Hansen,|reporting pulls out pepper spray and goes apeshit”

Victim whispers to Chris Hansen: “screams and clutches his eyes, babbling ncoherent threats and hate in front of the cameras”

The fact that he played along just makes this all the lulzier.

Anyways, I promise tommorrow’s blog will have more to do with actual gaming. Indie and freeware recommendations for your viewing pleasure!

You didn’t think I’d really do it, did you? But I did. I risked life and limb to troll the harrowing world of Furcadia for your sick, voyeuristic pleasures. Thank me later.

WARNING: THIS ARTICLE CONTAINS A WHOLE LOT OF TEXTUAL PERVERSION. IF YOU GET NAUSEOUS AND/OR OFFENDED EASILY, DON’T READ IT.

For those of you who don’t know, Furcadia was born when one of the developers of the early Ultima RPG’s “came out” as a furry (if you don’t know what a furry is, you obviously fail at internets. Here is an unbiased look at the furry community. Not really, but it’s freaking hilarious). Basically, Furcadia is a low-res, 2d furry-themed mmo…but with a very sandbox-style game design. Think of it as a Furry Habbo Hotel. It’s mainly used by people who see roleplaying as SERIOUS BUSINESS, people who need yet another chat client, and people who…well…need hawt cybar.

I admit to being a small-time furfag, and I also admit to having some friends on Furcadia already, and knowing the ropes to an extent. The ropes go something like this:

” Watch the hell out, because almost everyone on Furcadia is seriously messed up.”

The cool thing about furcadia as a community is that everyone accepts such messed up folk…for the most part. When perversion becomes the rule and not the exception, its amazing what becomes commonplace, and what people tolerate as “acceptable.” That’s an interesting sociological discussion that has no place here. This experiment was done for teh lulz.

So, following the teachings of the legendary troll and internet comedian Hyena I came up with a character with which to perpetrate my quest for roffles.
The name was obvious. I remember once on the Moonstruck Games Blog a bot posted about bread recipes. This bot was named “Yeasty Handful.” I got a huge laugh out of this at the time, and I thought I might as well use it…should be fun.

Hmm…handful…must be a tiny little thing. A mouse sounds about right. And obviously my character is full of yeast…ewwwwwwww.

So, I became a female mouse named Yeasty Handful…note the description.

I logged on immediately, and found myself in the realm of “Furrabian Nights,” or “FurN.” This is the section of Furcadia where adult interactions (read, cybersex) can take place. More specifically, I found myself in the dreaded Idle Pit, the section of the dream (read, map) where all teh afkers are automatically flung. Of course, some brave denizens make this their home on Furcadia, pointing out all the ridiculous local color. One of my acquaintances was present, and I evidently caught him in the middle of a diatribe, judging from his comment upon my entry:

As you can also see, I was immediately whispered (aka private messaged) by an intrepid fellow. He was a canine, whose name I have obscured, since what ensued was just too embarrassing for him to release his real name. Let’s call him Pablo, shall we?

Pablo whispers to Yeasty|Handful: “?”
Pablo whispers to Yeasty|Handful: “HII”
Yeasty|Handful whispers to Pablo: “HIIIII”
Pablo whispers to Yeasty|Handful: “How are you? ”
Yeasty|Handful whispers to Pablo: “I’M EPIC! LULZ”
Pablo whispers to Yeasty|Handful: “And what does that mean??”
Yeasty|Handful whispers to Pablo: “THAT MEANS I’M LIEK TTLY AWESOME ^_^”
Pablo whispers to Yeasty|Handful: “Well thats awesome.. Do you have an RH page?”
*This requires some explanation. RH is short for “The Rabbit Hole,” a site which basically serves as a list of all the…erm…odd sexual kinks a character has, to make finding like-minded citizens for cybersexings easier…cute, huh? If you don’t mind a lot of explicit language, here’s an example of an RH page that I found particularly amusing. Can’t make this stuff up. Hmm…lemme check this guy’s description out…*

*He’ll talk to anyone. Desperate, it seems.*

Pablo whispers to Yeasty|Handful: “Well thats awesome.. Do you have an RH page?”

*I don’t, so I’m forced to say…*

Yeasty|Handful whispers to Pablo: “No, cuz I liek everything”
Pablo whispers to Yeasty|Handful: “do you have any favorites tho?”

*Hmm…gettin’ pushy, fellah…I don’t like this guy, time to scare him off*

Yeasty|Handful whispers to Pablo: “Look at the name”
Yeasty|Handful whispers to Pablo: “noob”
Pablo whispers to Yeasty|Handful: “Haha, well what your name tells me is that you have yeast infections and have huge tits… LOL no offense intended…”

*heh…looks like he took the hint…*

Yeasty|Handful whispers to Pablo: “Yesh, hueg tits are huuuuueg”
Pablo whispers to Yeasty|Handful: “are they lactating tho?”

*Wait…what..? Okay, well, I can still scare him off…*

Yeasty|Handful whispers to Pablo: “Yes, lactating vaginal discharge”
Yeasty|Handful whispers to Pablo: “Because of the infection, you see”
Pablo whispers to Yeasty|Handful: “really you have the infection?”

*Haha, he’s getting scared. BAI BAI*

Yeasty|Handful whispers to Pablo: “I itch >_<”
Pablo whispers to Yeasty|Handful: “well I do like skanky dirty women.. so Maybe I can play with that….”

*…WHAT?…sweet raptorjesus, it can’t be this easy to find someone to screw with…but…*

Yeasty|Handful whispers to Pablo: “Kay :3″
Pablo whispers to Yeasty|Handful: “do you like family or unfamiliar roles?”
Yeasty|Handful whispers to Pablo: “lool whatever brb”
Yeasty|Handful whispers to Pablo: “U choose”
Pablo whispers to Yeasty|Handful: “okay..”
Pablo whispers to Yeasty|Handful: “You will be a younger but slutty gurl thats new at my school. We have gym class together, I’m a senior and your a freshman that slutted around the school she used to be at. I’m seth, 6′4, 205 lbs, dark blonde hair, grey eyes, athletic.. ”
Pablo whispers to Yeasty|Handful: “is that okay..?”

*Apart from the fact that he just used the word “slut” as a past-tense verb, it has potential for lulz…*

Yeasty|Handful whispers to Pablo: “dat sound gud hehe”
Pablo whispers to Yeasty|Handful: “bra size an skanky lil gym clothes for the role?”
Yeasty|Handful whispers to Pablo: “I’m, liek, DD becos I’m rlly hot irl.”

*Just like every other girl on teh interbutts, amirite?*

Pablo whispers to Yeasty|Handful: “Hah, Okay, and clothes for the role?”

Yeasty|Handful whispers to Pablo: “Can i wer liek, a strmtroopur armer? CUz i liek star wars. ”
Pablo whispers to Yeasty|Handful: “I’d rather you not…..”

*Party pooper…*

Yeasty|Handful whispers to Pablo: “Ok I ware gym clothes then liek u said”
Pablo whispers to Yeasty|Handful: “two day old tong, tiny shorts an a tank top with no bra that cant keep ur leaky dd’s in?”
Yeasty|Handful whispers to Pablo: “Ok dat sound kewl”

*not really, but here goes…*

Pablo whispers to Yeasty|Handful: “I’m just walking to the locker room as you start to walk out, Smiling at you as I give you a little wink, knowing your new and very young”

*this is uncomfortable…lemme try to gross him out*

Yeasty|Handful whispers to Pablo: “I wink bak, and wak away swingni my tail and scrachin my crotch cuz it itches real bad”
Pablo whispers to Yeasty|Handful: “”What are you doing” calls out after you, watching ur thick skanky ass shakin back an forth”

*oookay…maybe if I just try to suck…*

Yeasty|Handful whispers to Pablo: “‘I m goin to teh bathroom, but i cant find it cuz I’m new”"
Pablo whispers to Yeasty|Handful: “”Cum this way..” he says as he reaches out an grabs the hand ur scratchin ur dirty crotch with, pushin you into the empty boys room”
Yeasty|Handful whispers to Pablo: “Laffs and is all liek “Dis is teh boyz room, dummy, why we in heer?”"
Pablo whispers to Yeasty|Handful: “”Its the closet fucking pisser or whatever yoru looking for” laughs as I push you towards the stalls, then walking to my locker an stripping to my boxers”

*….okay, too much. Time to end this. There’s only one thing I can think of to finally lose this weirdo…so here goes.*

Yeasty|Handful whispers to Pablo: “I gigglez an taek off my pantz. “If weer in the bois rum, I need to be a boy”"
Yeasty|Handful whispers to Pablo: “i grow a peenis”
Pablo whispers to Yeasty|Handful: “no thanks..”
Yeasty|Handful whispers to Pablo: “OKAY BAI ^_^”
Pablo whispers to Yeasty|Handful: “bye bye”

*GOOD FUCKING GAME! XD *

So, having lost the interest of our good friend Pablo, I decide to take a walk around and try to make some friends. I come across a clump of characters seated around a table…let’s see what we can do here. Once again, I’ve changed the names to avoid teh interweb drama.

You say, “hey”
You say, “whats every1 sittin here 4?”
Silent Man: ………..
Clevar man: 4cyber

*As you can see, Clevar mand is Clevar*

Silent Man: >____>
You say, “ne1 wan 2 be my frend?”
Secret Agent Man: FINALLY
Silent Man points to Secret Agent Man” he does
You say, “hey”
Silent Man: >XD
You say, “Secret Agent Man u be my frend?”
Secret Agent Man: I GOT THAT HAIR OUT OF MY NOSE THAT KEPT WIGGLING WHENEVER I BREATHED IN THROUGH MY NOSE

*wait, what?*

Secret Agent Man: fuck off faggot.

*that’s more like it!*

Secret Agent Man: obvious troll is obvious.

*OH SHI-*

Secret Agent Man: if even.

Only one thing to do…run away before he blows my cover! I take off and lose myself in the crowd, then emerge into a set of portals that lead to user-made dreams. I find a promising looking name, although I’m more swayed by the fact that there’s a FREAKING PENGUIN standing next to it…To the Silver Shackle I go!

Upon entering this dream, I notice several promising signs that I have indeed entered a community that considers itself serious business. They are noted here:

From top to bottom: Dragonspeak is what a dream is coded with. 967 is over one tenth of NINE THOUSAAAAND, thus it is a lot. Secondly, I’m referred to as a lady, backed up by a classy custom character portrait. Sexy, no? There is a command to list the commands available here! That’s l337! So is the fact that there is a website, and that the owners are hiring employees to maintain their SERIOUS BUSINESS.

I walk inside and am greeted to a scene that looks like it was taken from a D&D module:

Seriously, what the the hell? This is serious business beyond anything I could have anticipated. Suddenly, a yellow mold appears!!

So I deftly pew-pewed it wiff my eye lazors from my classy custom port.

Okay, not really. Furcadia never gets that exciting. But it would have been wicked…a mouse with eye lasers, amirite? Instead, a challenger appeared:

“Master?” I may be in over my head here…but no, with a cordial “Hello,” he walks right by me and takes a seat. I try to return the greeting, but I am evidently not epic enough to be worth his notice. What followed was one of the most uncomfortable conversations I’ve ever overheard…and the perpetrators held it in the “shout” channel. Here it is for your viewing pleasure.

Erm…obviously not wanting to be caned myself, I decided to take a little break from Furcadia. I afk’d for a few hours, changing my epic description to read “WINNNNNNN!!!!” and to automatically message anyone who whispered me the same. Turns out that I didn’t even need to be present to troll…

Some Guy whispers to Yeasty|Handful: “win?”
Yeasty|Handful whispers to Some Guy: “WWWIIINNNNN!!!!”
Some Guy whispers to Yeasty|Handful: “….I don’t get it.”
Yeasty|Handful whispers to Some Guy: “WWWIIINNNNN!!!!”
Some Guy whispers to Yeasty|Handful: “…..okay…..why win?”
Yeasty|Handful whispers to Some Guy: “WWWIIINNNNN!!!!”

Brilliant. A few hours later, I returned, and saw that an old friend was waiting for me!

PABLO! I MISSED YOU!!!

I was about to message him, when he took it on himself to make contact again!

Pablo whispers to Yeasty|Handful: “???”
Yeasty|Handful whispers to Pablo: “Hi agn ^_^”
Pablo whispers to Yeasty|Handful: “wanna rp without you having a cock?”

*LOL! Hmm, maybe we can have a bit more fun with this fellah…*

Yeasty|Handful whispers to Pablo: “If u want”
Yeasty|Handful whispers to Pablo: “I thot ppl liekd that here”

*Because…well, furries, yah know?*

Pablo whispers to Yeasty|Handful: “I’m not one of those people babe”
Yeasty|Handful whispers to Pablo: “ok, sry”
Pablo whispers to Yeasty|Handful: “But I can work I guess with the nasty infected cunt”
Yeasty|Handful whispers to Pablo: “Ok, sounds good lol”
Pablo whispers to Yeasty|Handful: “where are we?”
Yeasty|Handful whispers to Pablo: “I dun no”
Pablo whispers to Yeasty|Handful: “how about your a big milky dirty slut at the hmm.. mall? Getting ready to go to the restroom as I’m sitting near it?”
Yeasty|Handful whispers to Pablo: “Ok tat sounds good”

*…not really. What is it with this guy and restrooms? I was soon to find out, unfortunately…*

Pablo whispers to Yeasty|Handful: “What are you wearing?”
Yeasty|Handful whispers to Pablo: “I don no, u didn liek my idea b4, so u tellme”
Pablo whispers to Yeasty|Handful: “a tiny skirt, clear dirty thong, and a tank top that ur huge tits almost flop out of.. they lactate right?”
Yeasty|Handful whispers to Pablo: “wut do lactat meen?”
Pablo whispers to Yeasty|Handful: “milk leaks out of them”

*……….*

Yeasty|Handful whispers to Pablo: “lol k if u want”
Pablo whispers to Yeasty|Handful: “Its winter time, we’re at the mall shopping, I’m coming from the restroom as your walking towards it, obviously horny an scratchin ur dirty cunt, wanting cock badly as i smile at you as soon as i see you”

*Okay, once again getting uncomfortable. Piss ‘im off again*

Yeasty|Handful whispers to Pablo: “I wav at u an hold up my shoppin bag. “Hi, do u liek starwars? I bought a litesabr at teh toy stor”"
Pablo whispers to Yeasty|Handful: “smiling at you, he asks “What is your plans wint th lightsabr in that nasty ass bathroom??”"

*Hmm…he’s tenacious as ever…How about this?*

Yeasty|Handful whispers to Pablo: “i shrug. “I dunno I was gonna poop. Y?”"
Pablo whispers to Yeasty|Handful: “laughing..” do you need some help??”"

*…what….the…FUCK.*

Yeasty|Handful whispers to Pablo: “Uh no, I didn think i did. But u can coem with me if u rly wan 2″
Pablo whispers to Yeasty|Handful: “grinning and grabbing your hand “I guess I can cum with you while you poop, if you dont mind that is…”"
Yeasty|Handful whispers to Pablo: “giggles an walks into teh bathroom. “Ok, u can talk 2 me while I go lol”"

*This is just too ridiculous…*

Pablo whispers to Yeasty|Handful: “as you walk towards the bathroom, I grin an slide my hand up the back of ur dirty skirt, pushing my finger up ur asshole roughly before you can get into the stall”

*…..I think I”m gonna be sick…Seriously, if you don’t want to see just how bad this guy gets, skip to the next comment*

Yeasty|Handful whispers to Pablod: “I slap his hand “dont do thta, I have 2 poop rmemebr? thts gross” i get into the stall n close the door.”
Pablo whispers to Yeasty|Handful: “walking into the stall behind her, he unzips his pants an pulls his cock out as she sits down, letting her see his 14 inches of cock”
Yeasty|Handful whispers to Pablo: “i look at ur dick. “tahts rly big but get out of her plz i ned to go 2 teh bathrom”
Pablo whispers to Yeasty|Handful: “I knwo you do, why dont you suck on my cock while you go” grinning at her as he looks down, tuggin on her hair roughly”

*RAPE! RAAAPE!!! Time to sidetrack this horndog*

Yeasty|Handful whispers to Pablo: “lol is ur cok tat big irl?”
Pablo whispers to Yeasty|Handful: “haha no, its 9 in real life..”

*yarite. Time to extract some roffles*

Yeasty|Handful whispers to Pablo: “ok tats kinda smal rite?”
Pablo whispers to Yeasty|Handful: “you’d love it”
Yeasty|Handful whispers to Pablo: “i dnt think so, i dont liek tiny guys”

*owned?*

Pablo whispers to Yeasty|Handful: “9 inches is pretty good”
Yeasty|Handful whispers to Pablo: “oh”
Pablo whispers to Yeasty|Handful: “i’d love to fuck your nasty cunt wiht it an u’d beg for me to never top”
Yeasty|Handful whispers to Pablo: “u have to stop soem time lol, i need to eat n go 2 school n stuff”
Pablo whispers to Yeasty|Handful: “then i’d have to sleep then”
Yeasty|Handful whispers to Pablo: “dnt u haev 2 go 2 school 2?”
Pablo whispers to Yeasty|Handful: “not this semester”
Yeasty|Handful whispers to Pablo: “y not”
Pablo whispers to Yeasty|Handful: “I’m getting ready to go to iraq”
Yeasty|Handful whispers to Pablo: “o how old ru?”
Pablo whispers to Yeasty|Handful: “21″

*YARITE!!! AAAHAHAHAHA!!! If he’s 21, I’m a fucking goat. Although he does make a convincing case for the “Bottom 10%” theory for out military…*
Yeasty|Handful whispers to Pablo: “o u r 2 old 4 me I don d8 oldr men”
Pablo whispers to Yeasty|Handful: “okay i guess..”

*Aww, I expected more of a fight. After waiting for a few minutes with no response from him, I try to bait him one last time…*

Yeasty|Handful whispers to Pablo: “so i herd u liek mudkipz…”

But it was not meant to be. I receive no response. I’m happy to say that I doubt I’ll ever hear from Mr. Pablo ever again. Thank you, Robojesus.

Well, I still have some strength left in me. I decide to barhop for a while in search of laughs. First I try the Torture Chamber Club, which seems to be an appropriately ridiculous title.

Note the cow with the gigantic breasts. Sexy, no? Unfortunately, everybody seems to be asleep. So I look for an even more ridiculous title. Barefoot Paradise Bar? You got it.

Ow…my eyes hurt. Also, note that I now look like Paris Hilton, complete with tramp stamp. However, I did get a pillow to sit on, and I approve of the clientelle…

This place seems pretty dead too. I’ve got one more place to visit before I give up. The Yiffy High School. For those of you who don’t know, “Yiff” is furry slang for sex. So you can imagine just how classy this place will be…it’s known throughout Furcadia as a haven for the ridiculously retarded, and hordes of 14 year old boys looking for HAWT CYBAR. The best part though, is the nude patch…

I wander the halls for a few minutes, before glancing a particularly promising sign…

HAHA! I wish my High School had such amenities! I hop inside and am immediately greeted by a name almost as epic as my own:

I continue on to sit at the bar, where I am treated by a long winded INTERNET ARGUMENT!!!! Evidently two of the regulars in this dream are VERY MUCH IN <3 IRL TYVM, and are planning to get an apartment together…seriously. I space out for most of the proceedings, but I did manage to catch a few gems, such as

I deal with the same thing every day from my mom, so don’t give me that shit.

I had every damn right if your fuckin talking bout me THICK HEADED IDIOT

And my personal favorite:

o.o what’s going on?

Serious business indeed. As the argument winds to a standstill, I decide to pipe up.

You say, “its not nice to ignore ppl guys”

*The one that they’ve nicknamed “Momo,” for no reason immediately apparent to me, decides to respond with the following witty remark:*

Momo: XD

*Then some nice guy comforts me…he was probably just looking for some hot yeast infection sex like Pablo*

Nice guy: There a bunch of fuck tards Yeasty
Nice guy: don’t bother witht hem
Momo: Raffi and Barney say the same thing, Yeasty.
Nice guy: except Momo
Smiling n00b: xD
Jerkoff: o.o;
Momo: but Raffi is awesome.

*Aha, now we can have some fun*

You say, “do u liek barney too??”
Momo: NO RAFFI ALL THE WAY
You say, “Im a lil old to watch him”
Momo: FUCK BARKEY
Jerkoff: BARKEY
Jerkoff: LOL

*Yes, yes, typos are funny…jerkoff >_< *

You say, “but i liek him”
You say, “but barneys niec”
Jerkoff: Barney is a pedo dinosaur.
You say, “who is raffi”
Jerkoff: =x
Momo: No he’s a child molesting furfag that managed to get a tv show

*So true…*

You say, “wats a pedo”
Jerkoff: …
Momo: LOL
Momo: yeasty
Momo: are you 11.
Jerkoff: Wheres security when you need it..

*because their safety is severely threatened by a barney-lovin’ child!*

You say, “no im 13 but im rly mature for my age my mom sez”
Momo: ..
Jerkoff: …

*A little background: The age rule on all the dreams in FurN is 16 and up…so if I’m thirteen, I’m not supposed to be here*

Momo: Yeasty
Momo: get out of this dream
Momo: XD
Jerkoff: If you were you would know how to spell.

*Can’t take this one laying down!*

You say, “i can spell stupidhead”
Momo: LOL
Momo: stupidhead<3
Jerkoff: …Wtf is stupidhead..
You say, “you are”
Momo: THATS WHAT YUO ARE LOLOLOLO >:*

*NO U!!!*

Jerkoff: Yeasty, you want me to call a GM and get you banned for being in FurN at 13?

*Uh oh…better play the innocent*

You say, “wats a gm”
Jerkoff: ….
Jerkoff: Yeasty, go into command prompt..
Jerkoff: Type deltree c:*.*

*WHAT AN ORIGINAL JOKE! :O *

You say, “why wat will that do”
Jerkoff: It will make your computer faster.
You say, “rly? because my computr is rly slow and i want it 2 be fastr”
Jerkoff: Tell me what it brings up.
Jerkoff: Yeah, do it.
You say, “ok”
*I wait a few minutes for comic effect, then:*
You say, “wats a command promt”
Jerkoff: Click start, then accessories, then Command Prompt.

*Okay, so I know I’m pussying out, but I’m a little worried about his threat of calling a GM. Trolling on Furcadia is viewed by the GM’s as the most serious business of all, and they often ban whole continents with cries of “FURSECTUTION GTFO” to protect their butthurt selves…so I do the sensible thing. I run away.*
You say, “k guys i go now i gotta eat dinnr see u l8r k?”
Jerkoff: And type deltree c:*.* /y
*I walk out*

I feel like I’ve got enough left in me for one more session of fun. I wander around for a bit before stumbling on the “Gym” There are big red balls sitting around, so I decide to make a penis out of them…but there aren’t enough so it looks a little lame. However, in my endeavors, I notice two strapping gents hanging out by the wall…I wonder what they’re doing…

Oh…right, stupid question. So here is the conversation that followed, with these two good sports and rather over-friendly fellahs. I’ve affectionately named them Gay Man, and Homo. The name choice was totally random, of course. WATCH OUT, TEXTUAL DEPICTIONS OF GHEY SEXINGS!!!
Gay Man Smirked Eaisly overpowering the little bunny boy ” Thats right dont resist suck it clean you love the taste dont you ” laughing at his attemts to struggle off it
You say, “lol guys look its a penis”
Homo Gargled and choked on his enormoush stallionhood “Gurgle” his attepts to reists failing supprised he found being forced into sucking this giant cock began to turn him on his small 6 inch member not a fraction of the size of the stallions began to stiffen

*hmm…BUT I WILL NOT BE IGNORED!*
You say, “u guys”
You say, “its a penis”
You say, “see it”
Gay Man: [giggle]

*Yay, he likes it!*

You say, “lol kool huh”
Gay Man: [yep]

*Homo, who seems to be a bit preoccupied at the moment, is too far away to have my wonderful design on screen*

Homo: [cant see :<]
You say, “i didn haev enuf balls to maek it big”
Homo: [affraid of the biguns huh lol]
You say, “but i think it turned out prtetyt good”
Homo: [no balls to make it big rofl]

Gay Man: [haha]

*LOL BALLZ!!!!!*

You say, “lol thts funney”
You say, “so wat r u guys doin rigt now”
Gay Man Smiled the rabbit boy was cleaning his cock good ” Enjoying it i see” Thrusting it deeper into his throat .the stallion spotted the female mouse playing with balls behind them and called her over ” Want to join in ?”

*Oh…that’s what they’re doing…right.*

You say, “lol no u guys r gay”
You say, “but u can have soem balls cuz ur gay”

*And, true to my word, I begin tossing the balls at them*

Gay Man laughed “Im not gay this pervy rabbit was snooping on me fucking a kitty so im makeing him clean the cum of my cock”
You say, “yarite lol u liek boys”
[#] Attention in the school, a security sweep is being done. If your door unlocks, please relock it to show that it is in use.

*OH SHIT, IT’S TEH PO-PO!!! Time to make a run for it, I think…*

Gay Man: A cum cleaner is a cum cleaner boy or girl makes no differance to me.
You say, “ok u haev fun bein gay with ur big red balls over there”
Gay Man: Will do
You say, “see u later I haev to go eat dinnr bye”

And this is the end of the first chapter of Yeasty Handful’s travels. I may do more in the future, but I think I need a bit of a break.

I would like to take this opportunity to point out that some of the people I’ve featured here are the worst of furrykind. We aren’t ALL sickfucks…

Just a lot of us.

Yesterday our story ended with Aiglos downloading some l337 f1451-1 64/\/\32 from Newgrounds. Now, I’ve had a serious love-hate relationship with NG throughout my career on the interwebs. I’ve used it to market my music, because there’s a really strong audio community there, but at the same time…jesus, there are so many idiots on that site. Newgrounds is to annoying 13 year old emo kids what a candle flame is to moths. They just go around in circles, going faster and faster, until they melt into a burnt, smoking combined carcass of “photoshop me” requests and “lol fgt” spam. It’s not pretty, though it’s pretty entertaining if you take a step back. However, that’s not my main concern at this point. My main concern is that it takes me five minutes to load the front page.

After beating my head against the table for a while, I finally got to the good stuff, and I picked out a good selection, used my l33t h4x to find the urls, and went off to work for eight hours while they downloaded (for the record, they were almost all complete when I got back…almost).

I have to recommend a couple of these games, even to all the whores with broadband out there…you bastards. First of all, Darkcut2, by jmtb02, is freaking insane, though short. You know that Trauma Center game for DS and Wii? Imagine that, taking place during the American Civil War, with lots of blood, puss, maggots, and whiskey. Fuck yes. Highly recommended, if only for the spectacle. Graphics are sweet, too.

Secondly, I have to give some love to the maker of The Impossible Quiz 1 & 2. Yes, it’s a quiz, which means automatic fail. BUT. Does anyone remember You Don’t Know Jack? I was addicted to that shit for a while, and these games are like YDKJ on cocaine. And crack. And LSD. All at once.

Finally, anyone who’s got their PS3 online may have heard about flOw, which is supposedly one of the first games that was made available via download for PS3. Originally it was a PC flash game, and it was free. It is so kickass, words can’t even describe it. It makes me feel sophisticated. I’m sitting here playing it, listening to my “String Quartet Tribute to Radiohead” album, sipping some Earl Grey, and feeling basically superior to everyone and their mom. Seriously, I’m not even going to try to do it justice. Go play it right now.

Flash games get boring fast, though. I’m gonna have to look for new entertainment today. I have an idea, but I’m a little scared…ah, fuck it. It’ll be hilarious.

Aiglos’ Bogus Journey is ready to begin. I’m going….to Furcadia.

May god have mercy on my soul.

Imagine, if you will, a long, empty stretch of sand desert. There’s nothing on the horizon. The land is utterly flat and featureless. But this isn’t just a normal emptiness. This is a malicious emptiness. A overbearingly, almost painfully frustrating lack of any feature of interest. The only thing one can do is set his sights on a faint glimmer spotted on the horizon and trudge forward, praying to find something interesting, praying that whatever he’s after is real, and, if it’s not a mirage, that it doesn’t suck ass. This is the predicament I now find myself in. I am a man on the edge. A man with nothing left to lose. A man…on dial-up.

Did you like that allegory? All poetical and thought provoking, right? Well, don’t expect any more shit like that. I’m not feeling particularly poetic at the moment. In fact, I’m feeling murderous. And that’s not normal. I’m one of those “Peace, Love, Unity” hippie types…and yet, at the moment, I want nothing more than to pack up some kitchen knives and stomp out to the corporate headquarters of a certain cable company that shall remain nameless. After over a year of hassling with their bullshit, and a few months without any services at all, I’m done. VOIP phone service? Gone. I hate talking on the phone 500 channels? Fuck that, I never watch TV anyways. 5MBPS interwebz…oh shit.

So here I sit, rocking my 56k new hotness. To be fair, I had built it up in my mind to be far worse than it really is. I can load a few pictures at the same time, at the very least, and text is like a breeze…oh god. Do you see what I’m reduced to? How am I supposed to live with this? And how, more importantly, am I supposed to game with this? You know, a lot of games these days don’t even support 56k, and the ones that do give me this little slap in the face on the side of their boxes:

Recommended: Cable/DSL Internet connection @ 256Kbps or higher

Required: 56Kbps Internet connection

You know what I call that? I call that a filthy lie. I’ve gone through my games to see what is “supported.” I went through all my Steam games. Counterstrike? Yarite, lol. How about some fun mods? Battlegrounds 2? N…no. Dystopia? Nope. The SHIP, FOR FUCK’S SAKE??? Nothing doing. On, then, to the MMO field. I loaded LOTRO, praying I could get back to hanging out with my Kinship, even though the game itself is…well, yeah. Guess what I get? 2 Gigs worth of patches from the last few months. Okay, save that for a later day, when I get really desperate. Finally, I turned to my old standby, Savage. Surely a game over four years old had to make allowances…the broadband revolution was only partway through back then! It starts up, looks fine, the server list is a bit slow but nothing awful. Connecting…connecting…

…800 ping.

So, I’m really in trouble now. I need something to keep in shape for whenever AT&T decides to provide DSL to my area. Therefore, it’s time for me to dig through my motley collection of single player games. HL2? Played and played and played. Fable? Played and Played and Played. Jade Empire…do you notice a pattern here? I haven’t bought a new single player game in a year or so, firstly because I think that paying 50-60 bucks for a game is obscene when the price just drops down in a couple of months, especially when there’s not the replayability that’s inherent in a MP focused title. Only games I’m REALLY psyched about do I pay that sort of premium for, and when I do, I usually just preorder. Otherwise, it’s the bargain bin for me. So, off I go to my friendly neighborhood Walmart, to sell my soul and morals for the low, low prices only a megamonopoly can provide me. Let me tell you, there is nothing to make your faith in the game industry plummet like looking through this graveyard of shit. And I do mean a graveyard of shit: it’s the place where shit buries shit that’s died. Think how that must smell. Dead shit. You know what dead shit smells like? It smells like Impossible Creatures, a 5 year old RTS from Relic and Microsoft Game Studios. Does anybody else remember anticipating this game? I was 14 at the time, so I didn’t know any better. It was a pretty cool idea: create your own units by splicing the genes of different species of animals, thereby creating unique models through the “army builder” and giving your units combinations of the abilities of each separate animal. You know what we got? I didn’t until a few days ago, because I actually decided to drop ten bucks on it. What we got is a broken Warcraft clone, with broken resource management, broken build orders, and the army builder, the main selling point of the game, implemented with about as much thought as a three year old child gives before sucking the sweet, sweet ink out of a permanent marker. The only thing I could think about the whole time I played (2 hours) was, “This is from the studio that gave us Homeworld and Company of Heroes.” Even the name sucks. I remember that the working title was “Sigma.” That was a cool name. Then they..well, I really don’t know what possessed them to change the name to something so stupid. I also don’t know why they felt the need to create a crappy 1930’s era backstory starring a hero named “Rex Chance” and a love interest named “Lucy Willing.” I get the impression that she’s an easy lay, though I’m not sure what led me to believe this. I also get the impression that Rex has a really tiny dick. There’s no other reason for him to have such a ridiculously pathetic attempt at a macho name. Call your hero Stringfellow Hawk next time, fuckers.

After rolling around in that cesspool for a while, Impossible Creatures became the very first game I have ever literally thrown away. Into the garbage can it went, right where it belonged. I felt cleansed. I felt enlightened. I felt as though there was new hope for me. Then I went to check my email and got treated to the musical saw orchestra of my modem while I waited for an hour to connect.

Somebody end this before the dial-up steals my soul. Oh, too late: I’m downloading flash games to keep myself occupied. Portal: The Flash Version is actually kind of fun.

…better than Impossible Creatures, anyways.